Excerpt From My Narrative
Ashleen-
Paragraph 4:
Shailene faked a smile, but behind it pain rocketed thru her chest like bullets in a warzone. She was drained, the pressure was on, harder than ever before. This week would be when the final team of Dauntless would be made. It was tough, it was risky, it was the detector of the worthy.
Paragraph 7:A few minutes passed when suddenly Ansel broke the silence. He looked up...
Shailene knew his coming announcement wasn't one he found easy to say. Through gritted teeth and tensed hands and a smile dominated by worry he muttered: “We can’t go back” His quiet words echoed in her mind immensely. She began to sniffle. His muscular arms comforted her as she hugged him. It's okay, he smiled. But deep down they both knew that just like hers his heart was breaking.
Ashleen, I thought your ideas were effective and elaborated on. But next time you should thoroughly proof read your writing for spelling mistakes. You should also make sure that you put in correct punctuation when it is needed.
ReplyDeleteAshleen, this text is very engaging and is filled with great vocabulary, all though your punctuation was lacking and you need to proof-read for errors and spelling mistakes in your stories. Overall it was a amazing cut-out of your story.
ReplyDelete